Five easy Halloween costumes that scream 2017

Five easy Halloween costumes that scream 2017

It's October. It's Friday the 13th. Is your costume ready? Here are five costume ideas that you can find in a thrift store and are perfect for 2017.

Above: Halloween is coming. Is your costume ready? Photo by Ryan Wilusz.

It’s October and it’s Friday the 13th, so let’s talk about Halloween.

Halloween is really fascinating. It seems like no matter how old you get, this holiday is all about excuses. When you’re young, it’s an excuse to receive and eat unhealthy amounts of candy. As you approach college age, it’s more often used as an excuse to drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol, or as an excuse to wear that thing you would never wear normally.

And that’s fine! I’m not here to judge. In fact, I’m here to help, because let’s face it – you have no idea what you want to be for Halloween, and it’ll be here before you know it. Good thing I’m here with a list of easy-peasy costume ideas you can put together simply by raiding your local thrift stores.

If you’re in Chapel Hill, those will be places like Rumors and the PTA Thrift Store. In Raleigh, try Retails or the Carolina Thrift Store. Durhamites, the Rescue Mission Thrift Store and Refinements are waiting for you to come pop some tags. But what should you buy while you’re there? Let’s get on with it.

Serena Williams

What’s not to like about Williams? She’s empowered, amazing at tennis, one of the most recognizable sports icons in America and OH YEAH, she just had a baby girl! She’s crushing it right now. In these trying times, we all need someone to look up to, so why not dress up as a hero instead of a villain this year? When you’re on the tennis court, you don’t want a lot of excess clothing in your way, which makes this look super simple to pull off.

A blue headband
Sweatbands
Tennis skirt
Tank top
White tennis shoes

Of course, to really pull off Serena’s look, you’re going to need to be totally ripped. Also, please actually be black. Thanks!

Hippie

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but the world kind of sucks lately. The political divide in our country is growing ever more wide. Race relations in the U.S. have all the elegance of a dumpster fire feeding on gas we probably bought from ISIS. With all the evil and hate in 2017, it’s really a great time to be a hippie again. Hippies celebrated peace, love and legalized marijuana before it was cool. And they did it before hipsters. To bring back this classic look and remind everybody how to love, all you need is…

Fringe vest
Tie-dye shirt
Flared jeans
Peace sign accessories
A lackadaisical attitude
Flowers*

*Don’t expect the cops on Franklin Street to believe that your weed is just part of your costume.

Bitcoin

2017 has been the year of the Bitcoin. In fact, as I write these words, Bitcoin is making history with its new, highest-ever value of $5,675.52. It will probably be higher by the time you read this. Too bad I sold mine a few years ago when they were worth $120. When it comes to easy costumes, it can’t get much easier than something that doesn’t exist as a physical object, right? Since every news outlet represents Bitcoin as a physical coin with a B on it, there’s no reason you can’t do the same thing for your Halloween costume. It doesn’t get much easier than this, folks.

Blank t-shirt, preferably gold
A black sharpie to write a ฿” on the front

Note: Doing this doesn’t make you inherently worth $5,675.52.

Golfing Donald

Also known as #45. Who knew that being the leader of the free world would involve so many trips to Mar-a-lago? Not Trump, but I’m sure he was delighted to find out. With his Twitter fingers ready and a 3-wood always within reach, perhaps Trump’s biggest achievement as president is managing to accomplish almost none of the things that he used on the campaign trail to rile up his base. And thanks to those increasingly disillusioned supporters, you’re sure to find a used MAGA hat or two.

Golfing polo
Khakis
America pin
“Make America Great Again” hat, preferably a visor
A wig. A bad one.

To stay in character, make sure to provide alternative facts when people say true things that cast you in a negative light. Make sure to call those people “failing fake news losers” and pay lip service to America while being as vague as possible. Also, make sure to constantly disparage …

Zombie Hillary

She just won’t go away, will she? After two failed attempts at securing the presidency, the second of which involved losing to a reality TV star who bragged on tape about his rapey tendencies, Clinton is back with a new book called “What Happened.” As our former Secretary of State claws her way out of her political grave with what remains of her career hanging in decayed tatters around the edges of her mouth, you’re still obviously a sexist if you find it unsettling. And don’t you dare mention that laundry list of scandals; it’s her turn, you bigot.

Presidential business dress
America pin
Lots of zombie makeup
The backing of corporate America

Make this a cute couples costume by having your significant other follow you around as the ghost of Julian Assange, haunting your every move.

Robert Kinlaw
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